Behind The Looking Glass

Oh, hi there.
It’s you.
How have you been?
Me? I’ve been okay.
I’ve just been dealing with a few things. I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long. I know, two weeks doesn’t seem like that much, but time goes by so slow. It’s just hard, you know? But I think I’ve taken enough time. Time away really allowed me to think. To actually clear my mind and see for the first time. Or maybe I’ve just seen all along, it’s hard to tell. I seem to go through periods like these quite often. The ones where I feel lost, and I just…float? I try to swim, but I don’t really get anywhere. Circles, on circles.
But now I have you, again.
The sole constant in a sea of many droplets.
Thank you for listening to my thoughts. 

Unfortunately, I’ve found myself taking another hiatus from blogging. It’s funny because it wasn’t even that long ago when I had blogger burnout and I had to hit pause. Well, here I am, again, but for different reasons. I’ve actually been bustling with ideas and things to write about, but I’ve decided to take some time to myself and really think things through and sort out my mess of a brain.

Looking back, I thought it was time to dive a little deeper, again. Aside from the high levels of stress I’ve accumulated from worrying about final papers and presentations, I’ve been dealing with chronic pain. Early last year, I underwent a huge period of stress, pain, and worry. After many doctor visits and tests, I was diagnosed with back arthritis, exercise induced asthma, and basically very weak lungs making me always susceptible to bronchitis.

The past few weeks have been very hard on me. I can’t sleep or even function properly without being in pain. And I know there are some people out there that have it worse than I do, I’m not trying to complain. I just need to get it off my chest. Seeing my mom’s face filled with worry every time I wince is really heartbreaking. And there were several instances in class where a classmate asked me what was wrong because the pain was clearly written all over my face. I actually developed wrinkles from scrunching my face to cope with the pain (I try to laugh at myself in the mirror for this one). I personally don’t like showing weakness or burdening others with my problems.

I’ve been trying every method to lift my mood. Lately, I’ve been eating more healthy, stocking up on vegetables and cutting out bread and rice from my diet. I still allow myself to eat noodles though (#sorrynotsorry I’m obsessed). I also sneak myself the occasional sweets because it makes me (and Oscar) feel better. I’ve also been meditating in my room for added comfort to my brain, and soul. Lastly, I’ve been getting back into exercising to keep my body moving and my mind busy. Plus, kickboxing helps me relieve all the built up stress I have.

And then there’s other things that help, like sitting at home with a heating pad to ease the pain. Every night my mom helps me apply tiger balm and salonpas all over my back, neck and shoulders. Sometimes I just lay on the floor staring up at the spinning fan, pretending that the pain is slowly getting absorbed by my carpet.

Eventually, I found that thinking more positively certainly helps to improve how the pain affects me. I think changing my mentality has been the best solution to it all, mentally. Coming to this conclusion has really opened my eyes, even though I’m sure it’s something I’ve known all along. Kill ’em with kindness.

Although being kind to my suffering is not a solution, but thinking optimistically and having positive vibes truly attributes to a happier me. It doesn’t cure my pain and it doesn’t really reduce it either. But what it does do is allows me to better cope with it. Accepting and embracing what is has given me the strength to keep going. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Times like these make me appreciate everything even more. It makes me think harder too. People all around us may be going through so many different things and you wouldn’t even know it. It’s a subliminal reminder to be kind to others, and to be kind to yourself. I learned not to be so hard on myself, to accept my limits, and just move forward with them. It’s a work in process. It always will be. But every step of the way, you grow and that’s the beauty of it all.

Embrace your weaknesses. Turn them into strengths.

Look Details:

Top | Slip Dress: H&M
Heels: JustFab
Watch: Daniel Wellington
Use “JENNSEMBLE” for 15% off.

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